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Friday, March 18, 2011

Glasses for my soul

So, I've been taking lithium for 8 days now. I can't believe how different I feel. I can't believe how MUCH I feel. I have access to me all the time. Some side effects but nothing that isn't worth the absolute joy I am finding in myself again.

It's almost impossible to explain. I've got one analogy that works for me so be patient and see if you can understand.

When I was in third grade I started sitting close to the front of the room all the time. I told the teacher I couldn't understand unless I did. She and my parents had a couple of meetings, thinking I was just seeking attention, basically. Then toward the end of the year they tested all of our eyes and realized I was in severe need of glasses, explaining my problem.

During the summer my parents took me to the optometrist and eventually we went to pick up my first pair of glasses. (Ugly coke-bottle things but hey...)

It was a miracle. I couldn't believe what I could see. The billboards, the trees, the other cars. Everything amazed me. Realizing this is what everyone saw all the time and I had been missing it. I was overjoyed. You should have heard me, exclaiming over things non-stop for the entire drive. I couldn't get enough of my new world and how beautiful it was any more than I could get past the fact that I thought I was seeing everything before. I had no idea what I was missing because I hadn't seen it before.

That's what the lithium feels like. Suddenly the world is brighter and clearer and so are my emotions. I'm amazed by what I see and feel. It's like someone put glasses on my soul and mind and I can see the world like normal people.l

And I'm just as amazed and I can't stop exclaiming over what I see and feel.

Is that a good way to explain it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Frustrated. Period.

You know what? Recently my cousin David and his wife Natalie came for a short dinner visit here in San Diego. He is always giving me a hard time about my "reluctance" to travel while he does so with complete abandon. And I got a little frustrated.

He also implied that I had formed strong attachments and impressions of our family and identified with them "even though (I)you didn't know them really and didn't grow up with them". Way to play on the fears I had about my devastation and loss when family members have passed.

I don't even know which to tackle first. Should I recall how my parents ripped me from place to place as a child until I wanted nothing more than to have a place I could stay still, own and be stable? Should I share all the travelling I've done on my own and with my family? Maybe I'm supposed to throw in his face the things I've experienced here in California PLUS the rest of my travels?

My memories of our childhoods seems to be much clearer than his. Maybe I didn't live there with them but that doesn't make me less connected. For crying out loud, when our family members have died they've come to me, told me good-bye and passed over in front of me. How is he more qualified than me about our family connections?

Sorry. Just really frustrated. I have NO contact with my dad's family. (Except for my recent contact with my cousin Gail which is sooooo fantastic.) And yet my memories and the info I have gives me much insight and I remember the connections. I am eternally grateful that my mother refused to give in and move back to the small town our family used to dominate. I would have suffocated from all the "love" and "good intentions".

And hey! How about all the unrest in the Middle East? What's up with that?

Thanks all. Signing off.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Not that I have an opinion or anything...

Hey peeps. Thought I'd try two posts in a row. What do you think?

Foot is better. I was able to actually prepare a simple dinner for my family tonight. That's the first time since "The Fall" on New Year's. It's a small thing but I'm happy with it. I feel moderately productive for the first time in a month. Maybe I'll get to do some dishes or laundry soon.

In other news, I refused to actually watch the State of the Union address tonight. The man has been giving us a preview for over a week, we've been subjected to analysis and conjecture for over a week and it's not like anything he says will make me happy or surprise me. He's not likely to suddenly change his political agenda overnight. He isn't going to stop gunning for corporate America or finally understand how business, profits and jobs actually function.

It isn't as though he was going to announce something useful like slashing the corporate tax rates in America. Or instituting a flat tax. He isn't going to suddenly employ a staff of individuals with real business experience to advise him. He isn't going to renounce Obamacare. He's not going to cease being the man-child and take responsibility for anything and stop blaming Bush for everything. He's not going to celebrate the American exceptionalism or it's DREAM. He's not going to stop being a progressive socialist and switch over to capitalist ideals. He isn't going to cease bowing to and worshiping dictators and suddenly see reason.

So why would I have wasted my time, raised my blood pressure and lowered my immune system listening to this moron drone on and on? I think it is entirely reasonable of me to avoid the actual speech and just read the blogs and live updates and wait for Rush, Roger and Ladona Harvey to give me the basics tomorrow.

It's a huge step forward from how I handled the Clinton administration. Eight years of pretending the government didn't exist didn't really work out for me. After 9/11 I swore I would never zone out on the political condition again. And I won't. But I'm not wasting my energy on this poser-loser calling himself the leader of the "free" world. He is a worthless waste of oxygen and his wife is even more pathetic. They have no class and they want the American people to bare their throats to the wolves of the 3rd world in a show of submission. I have no intention of doing so or teaching my children to do so.

State of the Union = sorry.

State of the American People = sad.

State of the Tea Party = aggressive, productive and determined.

You people we just elected better represent us. The GOP better get the memo and represent us.

Otherwise? We'll be implementing a NEW Party and the Republicans will become a useless 3rd Party with no meaning and no support.

I'm out y'all. The future is ours if we continue to fight, force the dialogue and teach our children and grandchildren that we cannot afford to EVER forget or compromise.

Amen. America and freedom MUST prevail.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Updates from a challenged new year

Wow, it's been ages. I don't have that much to say. Of course, you've heard that before, right?

Got a cold the day after Christmas that turned into a horrible series of infections that are still afflicting me now. Whole family, actually. It's a little embarrassing to admit our asses were kicked by a 2 yo little girl. Totally worth it to get Wednesday love for the holidays.

Walked into my front yard moments into the New Year to celebrate, make noise and spread confetti. Stepped of the curb and POW! Sprained my foot and ankle in so many ways that Kingdom Come still hasn't seen the likes of me. Still on crutches and some pain meds. Ridiculous.

I've also gotten to see some amazing shows and movies. "Tangled" was beyond amazing. Great Disney classic. "Mixtape" was a huge success with all four of us. Great music and comedy. Not only music from every single genre but the commercials, the culture and the cartoons as well. It was a blast. Of course, Leonard Patton was so incredible and Andy Ingersoll (sp?) was amazing as well.

Then we saw "Next to Normal". It was really remarkable, with the exception of Alice Ripley. Lady was sick and should have let us have a good show with the understudy. Just saying.

But the absolute best part of the last few weeks was Sunday. My little brother turns 33 on Tuesday, the 25th. So we got together at my mom's for pizza, cake and games. We got so much good loving with Wednesday and Jack. Jeff is baby whipped. He ran up and down the stairs with Wednesday, playing with her non-stop. And he cuddled with Jack and had so much fun playing with him. I can't get enough of those two angels. And Ricci (my sis-in-law for the uninformed) came prepared with the games. Have you watched the show "Minute to Win It"? Well, she came with a whole slew of games from that show for us to play. It was some of the best fun I've ever had in my life. She says she's starting a family tradition with us playing games for a trophy she bought at Party City. I absolutely love her. She was the best part of the games. I don't often get to see the giggly side of her. It was so much fun.

Anyways. That's my life right now. Didn't mean to abandon the world of blogs but I've had a run of...ummmm...luck? What kind of luck is up for interpretation.

I have discovered the true power of love, prayer and positive wishes throughout this month. That's a pretty powerful gift in my mind.

Thank you to all my friends, family, loved ones and acquaintances. It's silly but even the people I pull in because of the games I play on FB seem to be souls I need to know, am grateful to see and share so many of my values.

So, hello again blogosphere. I'll be back. Hopefully sooner than later.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve was AMAZING

This day was pretty much perfect. In case you don't know this already, Christmas Eve is my mother's birthday. So we started our day with a fabulous lunch of Greek food and celebrating my mother. I got myself parked between Wednesday and Jack. Darn. How terrible, right? lol Once again - Wednesday proved that Uncle Jeff is her pawn and will do whatever she wants. Soooo cute! And just for the record? So did Jack. It was a blast. I think my mom was beyond thrilled with her bday lunch. My family did what she asked us to do. Ricci was a dream for giving her what she really would have wanted. She gave her a calendar filled with pix of the babies and even a couple of my kids. I'm jealous, I want a copy for ME!

Proceed to the scene at my mother's. There are probably 6 sq. feet of presents waiting for us, maybe more. My mother and I went WAY overboard. And I'm not even going to try to apologize for it. Too much fun and too much happiness.

So we got the little ones a shit load of presents. Especially Wednesday. Recently, when Ariana and I were babysitting because Ricci had to go the hospital, we witnessed Wednesday taking the teddy bear Ariana gave her last year and feeding it and taking out wiped to clean his face and.....yeah, his booty. She is mimicking her mommy and taking care of a "baby". At this point, we determined we had a mission. That little girl needed a baby doll.

Now, you have to understand that my niece is a midget child. She turns 2 in a couple of weeks and her 7 mo brother is barely behind her in weight and height. So the world of baby dolls became limited. They were all bigger than her. HUGE, to be honest. And the ones that are automated frankly scared the hell out of us. One sounded like a stranded goat. Another one was like possesso baby and yet another said things I found vaguely inappropriate.

Then, we found the mini-Cabbage Patch baby. The ONLY kind of Cabbage kid in the store for some weird reason. It was tiny. It was adorable. It had a bottle (plus we added a pack of accessories like a mini box of wipes), green eyes and no chin.......just like our adorable Wednesday. We were so excited to give it to her but had no idea how she would react.

Let me just say this. There are certain magical Christmas moments. They don't happen every year. Sometimes they never happen at all. But Wednesday opening her baby doll present? One of the most amazing things I've ever experienced in my life.

She was like Ariana, desperate to get someone to free her baby. She was absolutely frantic. When we got her out she took hold of her and the bottle and wouldn't let go. She put the bottle in her mouth. She burped her. She bounced her on her knee. She would only let some people (that's right, I am one of the trusted people with baby McCant) even hold the baby. She immediately started making soft, crying sounds for her baby that made her have to cuddle or feed her. She couldn't care less about the rest of her presents for the longest time. That baby and it's needs became the center of her attention. She showed her to Jack and let Rissa bounce Jack AND baby on her knees. She gave her to me to hold when she opened or played with other presents. She took her brother's baby car seat, cleaned it out of his toys and put her baby in it. It was the sweetest, most adorable baby Christmas moment I think I've ever experienced. We kept tearing up about her taking care of baby and how absolutely thrilled she was to finally have a baby in her arms and do what Mommy does every day. The only other present that captured even a fraction of that reaction were the mega-blocks with a gear system/shape sorter and playing with it (while I babysat CB kid) with Rissa and Ariana in the kitchen. Wait until she gets her kitchen, magnetic, cut-up bread/cutting board/cut-up bread, fruit, etc. AND her little tool box w/ wooden tools, screws, supplies plus her backpack full of Black & Decker tools.

Okay, not baby related. My mom getting her long john pj's from all of us (because she gives pj's to the grandkids every year and Jon jokingly asked her if she wanted long john's for Christmas once and got a great reaction) and laughing so fully, loving the gift AND the joke and.........drum roll

Merry Christmas. I will wrap myself in my luxurious, red wrap that my mommy noticed me loving and went back and bought for me. She really surprised me this year.

I am beyond thrilled that she gave us tickets to "Mixtape" which I've been dying to see. The star is the younger brother to my great friend and occasional date that I recently learned had passed on. I am so excited to see the show on it's own but the thought that Lawton's little bro is the star is the cherry on top of the universe.

Merry Christmas y'all. I'll probably post tomorrow or the next day. I am drowning the the love, friendship, caring and good wishes amongst my friends and family.

Hey Abernathy/Peery clan! I love all of you more than you can know. Some day we will get together and have a proper holiday with all of us damaged kiddos.

I love you all. I am blessed to know you. My life is full because of all the souls I touch every moment.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas shopping horrors

I'm so drained by the demands of the holidays that I've had a hard time posting anything. It isn't because I haven't tried. I've started so many posts that I didn't finish. Sometimes it was just because I went to sleep and then couldn't regain the momentum the next day. Sometimes I just didn't feel the same so it didn't matter. Other times I've gotten partway through and just been too full of emotions and information to be able to spit it all out in a reasonable manner.

Shopping and wrapping are wonderful, rewarding, torturous and just plain painful. People are at their absolute best AND worst at this time of year. I try to be patient and understanding and lend sympathy to everyone.

But down deep? Outside of the wonderful people I encounter with their kids and love and excitement? The jerks bring me down.

I want to kill some of them or just tell them off. But because I don't want to feel that, experience the conflicts or live in the world of negative I just bottle it all and put on a good face. Who wants to be the grumpy, Grinchy person out shopping? Certainly not me. So I shove it down and paste a smile on my face and do my damnedest to focus on the positive, the happy kids and the joyous shoppers.

I just find it takes its toll. Do you know what I mean? You find your nerves and patience worn to a thin, raw nub. So after putting on the smiley face of a saint in the world of shopping you find yourself snapping at the people you love the most. The people you are enduring all the crap for to bring them joy and happiness. How ridiculous is that? Those aren't the people really driving you crazy but you still tamp it down for the strangers and feel too exhausted to make the same effort for your friends and family.

Okay, maybe this is just me. Not trying to project my issues on the rest of you. But I think there are many in the world who experience this too.

So I guess I'm gonna take some deep breaths and remember how much I love those who are closest to my heart. I've done most of my wrapping and ALL of my shopping so I can take the time to reflect on what's important.

But just so we're clear? If you are one of those rude people that makes me so angry? Santa isn't bringing you the presents that matter. And Rudolph will poop on your roof.

Bah humbug.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Great Weekend (not to brag)

Wow. I mean it, wow!

I'm done with Christmas shopping except for a couple of things that just have to be picked up. And I got things I'm really happy to be giving people. Best. Feeling. Ever! Niece and nephews will be happy. Hopefully so will the adults. (Oh yeah, and my girls too. I KNOW they're adults but for me they still fit in with the kiddies. Can you imagine how insane I'm gonna be when I have my own grandkids?)

Handmade projects are on schedule and will be executed perfectly (well as close as homemade projects can be. I mean, that's the whole point of homemade, right? It's unique and junk? If they were perfect a machine could have made them. Right. No one expects perfection. It's okay. Deep breath. *inhale**exhale*)

Ariana and Rissa decorated the house and yard with lots of pretty lights, etc. yesterday. Definitely lights up our little corner. I'm sure Ariana will recover from being startled by the lights SHE hung on the house. Or, maybe not.

We went and got our Christmas tree today. It smells absolutely divine throughout the house. The lights and ornaments are so pretty. Ariana managed to decorate the interior as well. It's kind of her thing. : ) Here's to hoping the cats leave most of the tree/ornaments alone this year.

I got to spend the entire day with my husband. He's been working long hours so this was extra special. I miss the smell of his skin and his hugs when we're apart. Well, a few other things too but that's another conversation entirely. : ) Mind your own business, people. I think we both feel a little happier after our day.

Did I mention he made dinner as well? It was so delicious, tender and perfect that there is NOTHING left over.

And if that wasn't enough? All that glorious stuff?

The Raiders lost.

And the Chargers BURIED THE CHIEFS AND DANCED ON THEIR GRAVES. That's right. We're bad. Unh-huh. Whatcha gonna do about it?

(As a San Diego fan it's always fun to bust out the occasional trash talk. We don't get to use it as often as some fans. Please, indulge me.)

So happy dreams to all of you. Stay safe and sane this season. If we share love everywhere we go maybe we can make this world a little happier for at least a few weeks? It's worth the effort. Then, if it works, maybe we can try it for a few more weeks? Sort of on a month-by-month extension basis? You know, see how it works out?

Love y'all. Thanks if you're reading.