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Friday, March 18, 2011

Glasses for my soul

So, I've been taking lithium for 8 days now. I can't believe how different I feel. I can't believe how MUCH I feel. I have access to me all the time. Some side effects but nothing that isn't worth the absolute joy I am finding in myself again.

It's almost impossible to explain. I've got one analogy that works for me so be patient and see if you can understand.

When I was in third grade I started sitting close to the front of the room all the time. I told the teacher I couldn't understand unless I did. She and my parents had a couple of meetings, thinking I was just seeking attention, basically. Then toward the end of the year they tested all of our eyes and realized I was in severe need of glasses, explaining my problem.

During the summer my parents took me to the optometrist and eventually we went to pick up my first pair of glasses. (Ugly coke-bottle things but hey...)

It was a miracle. I couldn't believe what I could see. The billboards, the trees, the other cars. Everything amazed me. Realizing this is what everyone saw all the time and I had been missing it. I was overjoyed. You should have heard me, exclaiming over things non-stop for the entire drive. I couldn't get enough of my new world and how beautiful it was any more than I could get past the fact that I thought I was seeing everything before. I had no idea what I was missing because I hadn't seen it before.

That's what the lithium feels like. Suddenly the world is brighter and clearer and so are my emotions. I'm amazed by what I see and feel. It's like someone put glasses on my soul and mind and I can see the world like normal people.l

And I'm just as amazed and I can't stop exclaiming over what I see and feel.

Is that a good way to explain it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Frustrated. Period.

You know what? Recently my cousin David and his wife Natalie came for a short dinner visit here in San Diego. He is always giving me a hard time about my "reluctance" to travel while he does so with complete abandon. And I got a little frustrated.

He also implied that I had formed strong attachments and impressions of our family and identified with them "even though (I)you didn't know them really and didn't grow up with them". Way to play on the fears I had about my devastation and loss when family members have passed.

I don't even know which to tackle first. Should I recall how my parents ripped me from place to place as a child until I wanted nothing more than to have a place I could stay still, own and be stable? Should I share all the travelling I've done on my own and with my family? Maybe I'm supposed to throw in his face the things I've experienced here in California PLUS the rest of my travels?

My memories of our childhoods seems to be much clearer than his. Maybe I didn't live there with them but that doesn't make me less connected. For crying out loud, when our family members have died they've come to me, told me good-bye and passed over in front of me. How is he more qualified than me about our family connections?

Sorry. Just really frustrated. I have NO contact with my dad's family. (Except for my recent contact with my cousin Gail which is sooooo fantastic.) And yet my memories and the info I have gives me much insight and I remember the connections. I am eternally grateful that my mother refused to give in and move back to the small town our family used to dominate. I would have suffocated from all the "love" and "good intentions".

And hey! How about all the unrest in the Middle East? What's up with that?

Thanks all. Signing off.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Not that I have an opinion or anything...

Hey peeps. Thought I'd try two posts in a row. What do you think?

Foot is better. I was able to actually prepare a simple dinner for my family tonight. That's the first time since "The Fall" on New Year's. It's a small thing but I'm happy with it. I feel moderately productive for the first time in a month. Maybe I'll get to do some dishes or laundry soon.

In other news, I refused to actually watch the State of the Union address tonight. The man has been giving us a preview for over a week, we've been subjected to analysis and conjecture for over a week and it's not like anything he says will make me happy or surprise me. He's not likely to suddenly change his political agenda overnight. He isn't going to stop gunning for corporate America or finally understand how business, profits and jobs actually function.

It isn't as though he was going to announce something useful like slashing the corporate tax rates in America. Or instituting a flat tax. He isn't going to suddenly employ a staff of individuals with real business experience to advise him. He isn't going to renounce Obamacare. He's not going to cease being the man-child and take responsibility for anything and stop blaming Bush for everything. He's not going to celebrate the American exceptionalism or it's DREAM. He's not going to stop being a progressive socialist and switch over to capitalist ideals. He isn't going to cease bowing to and worshiping dictators and suddenly see reason.

So why would I have wasted my time, raised my blood pressure and lowered my immune system listening to this moron drone on and on? I think it is entirely reasonable of me to avoid the actual speech and just read the blogs and live updates and wait for Rush, Roger and Ladona Harvey to give me the basics tomorrow.

It's a huge step forward from how I handled the Clinton administration. Eight years of pretending the government didn't exist didn't really work out for me. After 9/11 I swore I would never zone out on the political condition again. And I won't. But I'm not wasting my energy on this poser-loser calling himself the leader of the "free" world. He is a worthless waste of oxygen and his wife is even more pathetic. They have no class and they want the American people to bare their throats to the wolves of the 3rd world in a show of submission. I have no intention of doing so or teaching my children to do so.

State of the Union = sorry.

State of the American People = sad.

State of the Tea Party = aggressive, productive and determined.

You people we just elected better represent us. The GOP better get the memo and represent us.

Otherwise? We'll be implementing a NEW Party and the Republicans will become a useless 3rd Party with no meaning and no support.

I'm out y'all. The future is ours if we continue to fight, force the dialogue and teach our children and grandchildren that we cannot afford to EVER forget or compromise.

Amen. America and freedom MUST prevail.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Updates from a challenged new year

Wow, it's been ages. I don't have that much to say. Of course, you've heard that before, right?

Got a cold the day after Christmas that turned into a horrible series of infections that are still afflicting me now. Whole family, actually. It's a little embarrassing to admit our asses were kicked by a 2 yo little girl. Totally worth it to get Wednesday love for the holidays.

Walked into my front yard moments into the New Year to celebrate, make noise and spread confetti. Stepped of the curb and POW! Sprained my foot and ankle in so many ways that Kingdom Come still hasn't seen the likes of me. Still on crutches and some pain meds. Ridiculous.

I've also gotten to see some amazing shows and movies. "Tangled" was beyond amazing. Great Disney classic. "Mixtape" was a huge success with all four of us. Great music and comedy. Not only music from every single genre but the commercials, the culture and the cartoons as well. It was a blast. Of course, Leonard Patton was so incredible and Andy Ingersoll (sp?) was amazing as well.

Then we saw "Next to Normal". It was really remarkable, with the exception of Alice Ripley. Lady was sick and should have let us have a good show with the understudy. Just saying.

But the absolute best part of the last few weeks was Sunday. My little brother turns 33 on Tuesday, the 25th. So we got together at my mom's for pizza, cake and games. We got so much good loving with Wednesday and Jack. Jeff is baby whipped. He ran up and down the stairs with Wednesday, playing with her non-stop. And he cuddled with Jack and had so much fun playing with him. I can't get enough of those two angels. And Ricci (my sis-in-law for the uninformed) came prepared with the games. Have you watched the show "Minute to Win It"? Well, she came with a whole slew of games from that show for us to play. It was some of the best fun I've ever had in my life. She says she's starting a family tradition with us playing games for a trophy she bought at Party City. I absolutely love her. She was the best part of the games. I don't often get to see the giggly side of her. It was so much fun.

Anyways. That's my life right now. Didn't mean to abandon the world of blogs but I've had a run of...ummmm...luck? What kind of luck is up for interpretation.

I have discovered the true power of love, prayer and positive wishes throughout this month. That's a pretty powerful gift in my mind.

Thank you to all my friends, family, loved ones and acquaintances. It's silly but even the people I pull in because of the games I play on FB seem to be souls I need to know, am grateful to see and share so many of my values.

So, hello again blogosphere. I'll be back. Hopefully sooner than later.