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Friday, March 18, 2011

Glasses for my soul

So, I've been taking lithium for 8 days now. I can't believe how different I feel. I can't believe how MUCH I feel. I have access to me all the time. Some side effects but nothing that isn't worth the absolute joy I am finding in myself again.

It's almost impossible to explain. I've got one analogy that works for me so be patient and see if you can understand.

When I was in third grade I started sitting close to the front of the room all the time. I told the teacher I couldn't understand unless I did. She and my parents had a couple of meetings, thinking I was just seeking attention, basically. Then toward the end of the year they tested all of our eyes and realized I was in severe need of glasses, explaining my problem.

During the summer my parents took me to the optometrist and eventually we went to pick up my first pair of glasses. (Ugly coke-bottle things but hey...)

It was a miracle. I couldn't believe what I could see. The billboards, the trees, the other cars. Everything amazed me. Realizing this is what everyone saw all the time and I had been missing it. I was overjoyed. You should have heard me, exclaiming over things non-stop for the entire drive. I couldn't get enough of my new world and how beautiful it was any more than I could get past the fact that I thought I was seeing everything before. I had no idea what I was missing because I hadn't seen it before.

That's what the lithium feels like. Suddenly the world is brighter and clearer and so are my emotions. I'm amazed by what I see and feel. It's like someone put glasses on my soul and mind and I can see the world like normal people.l

And I'm just as amazed and I can't stop exclaiming over what I see and feel.

Is that a good way to explain it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Frustrated. Period.

You know what? Recently my cousin David and his wife Natalie came for a short dinner visit here in San Diego. He is always giving me a hard time about my "reluctance" to travel while he does so with complete abandon. And I got a little frustrated.

He also implied that I had formed strong attachments and impressions of our family and identified with them "even though (I)you didn't know them really and didn't grow up with them". Way to play on the fears I had about my devastation and loss when family members have passed.

I don't even know which to tackle first. Should I recall how my parents ripped me from place to place as a child until I wanted nothing more than to have a place I could stay still, own and be stable? Should I share all the travelling I've done on my own and with my family? Maybe I'm supposed to throw in his face the things I've experienced here in California PLUS the rest of my travels?

My memories of our childhoods seems to be much clearer than his. Maybe I didn't live there with them but that doesn't make me less connected. For crying out loud, when our family members have died they've come to me, told me good-bye and passed over in front of me. How is he more qualified than me about our family connections?

Sorry. Just really frustrated. I have NO contact with my dad's family. (Except for my recent contact with my cousin Gail which is sooooo fantastic.) And yet my memories and the info I have gives me much insight and I remember the connections. I am eternally grateful that my mother refused to give in and move back to the small town our family used to dominate. I would have suffocated from all the "love" and "good intentions".

And hey! How about all the unrest in the Middle East? What's up with that?

Thanks all. Signing off.